“I Love You, but I Am Leaving You”

When love is not all, you need to. That is an awful time of our life. The emotions and our soul we invest in a relationship; Where they just walk out telling I love you but I am leaving you. If there is Love for real at first place you won’t be leaving him/her. And then follows with non-sense reasoning blame game; Devastating at one side;

What is the point of leaving a permanent scar forever on a person who would have found better than you when you eventually want to leave or quit the relations? If it’s not working between two people that is a different case. Now we are talking about leaving

  “I’m sorry, I love you, but I have to leave you. You were the right choice, but not my ‘happy’ choice.” Hallie Mantegna

What?! Did I hear you correctly? If you love me, why are you leaving me? I am definitely missing a piece of this puzzle. But as it turns out, you may not be missing anything.

Sometimes, love and life clash. Usually, this conflict can be traced to one of two issues: romantic reasons that have to do with the nature of one’s love, and purposes concerning the flourishing life of the partners.

1. “I love you, but not strongly enough.”

     “There is a difference between someone who wants you and someone who would do anything to keep you. Actions speak louder than wishes.” This is what I believe in

     Romantic love is not an all-or-nothing attitude — it comes in different degrees. Some degrees are good enough for having an affair for a few weeks or months, but not sufficient for sustaining long-term love.

Examples of common reasons in this group are:

  • “I found a new lover.”
  • “In the past, I have loved someone more strongly than I love you.”
  • “I am happy with you in the short term (great romantic intensity), but I do not see prospects for the long-term (not much romantic profundity).”
  • “We are great sexual partners, but not good friends.”
  • “We are profound friends, but not great sexual partners.”
  • “There are major flaws in your behavior preventing me from trusting you and feeling calm with you.”
  • “I cannot give you the love you deserve,” or more bluntly, “My feelings toward you are not strong enough.”

The reasons in this group are mainly comparative indicating a lower level of love or romantic suitability. The above differences are often associated with the (ambiguous) statement, “I love you, but I am not in love with you,” which is another claim that has ended many marriages and other committed relationships. Here, there is some degree of love, but that degree is not sufficient at least not when compared to other available options.

2. “I love you, but cannot live with you.”

    “Look, I hate goodbyes, too. But sometimes, we need them just to survive.”                    Rachel Caine, Fall of Night

     “If I should stay, I would only be in your way, So I’ll go, but I will always love you.”     Dolly Parton

Long-term romantic relations should take into account non-romantic factors concerning the living together of the two partners. Loving someone is not always sufficient for deciding to live with someone. Living together and establishing a family together indeed require love but much more than that, they cannot help each other flourish.

Examples of common reasons in this group are:

  • “You cannot help me to flourish, as you do not bring out the best in me.”
  • “I cannot help you to flourish, on the contrary, being with me blocks your flourishing.”
  • “We are not suitable for building a long-term, thriving life together.”
  • “You are not a good father, husband, or provider (though you may be a great lover).”

In this group of reasons, the degree of love is sufficient for supporting enduring love, but not enduring living together. People sometimes prefer thriving in life over love — it can come down to their own thriving or that of their partner.

An illustration of the first kind is the case of a married woman who said that she loved her first husband very much, but something was missing in their relationship that made her decision to divorce him. “There was nothing wrong with him,” she said, “but nevertheless I felt that self-fulfillment would not be part of my life. He would not block it, but he will not bring out the best in me. With my second husband, I have many fights, but I do feel his profound passion and ability to bring out the best in me.” This woman chose to lose her first husband over losing herself.

An example of preferring the partners thriving over love is the case of a partner who, out of profound love, ends a relationship, saying that staying together would make his or her beloved miserable in the long term. This is the theme of the famous song “I will always love you,” which many consider the greatest love song of all time. In taking into account this reality, we sometimes hear of a partner, out of profound love, ending a relationship out of concern that staying together would make his or her beloved miserable in the long term. In this case, ending the relationship expresses a genuine interest in the other’s profound well-being.

Is Love All We Need?

  •      “All you need is love.” —The Beatles
  •     “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” —Charles Schulz

Romantic love has a very positive impact on one’s life. This is expressed in many ways, such as happiness, flourishing, and health. For some people, it is the engine that drives their lives forward. However, people need more than love to flourish. For love to thrive and endure, we need a good-enough living framework. When romantic love succeeds, it can contribute to a more general feeling of thriving. Sometimes, however, love and life conflict.

And so we can find ourselves asking: Which takes precedence, love or life? This can be a hard call. At one extreme, one might sacrifice life for love (let’s remember Romeo and Juliet). At the other, one might sacrifice love for life (remaining in a loveless, but otherwise comfortable, marriage, for example). Of course, most of us make romantic decisions that fall somewhere between these harrowing poles. It is the strength of love, the nature of the life-demands, and the degree of conflict between them, which dictate precisely where we wind up on that continuum.

When intense desire is perceived as the core of romantic love, the conflict between romantic love and life ramps up in volume (Ben-Ze’ev & Goussinsky, 2008). Such a desire is usually brief and decreases with time. Life, by contrast, tends to last. A lover cannot be blind to life, and love does not always win. In any case, love cannot replace a life. When love and life go head-to-head, love almost always loses, primarily when it is based on intense desire. In the long run, it is when lovers nurture the connection between themselves and do things which enable each other to flourish that love is maintained and enhanced. That is how ties to the living framework are tightened.

Concluding Remarks

     “Goodbye taught me that people don’t always stay and the things that belonged to you today can belong to someone else tomorrow.”  Rania Naim, Goodbye doesn’t scare me anymore

The claim that “all you need is love” indicates, as Brian Epstein, the Beatles’ manager, once said: “a clear message saying that love is everything.” Although romantic love is significant for our happiness and flourishing, love is neither a necessary, nor a sufficient, condition for a happy and thriving life. As it turns out, love is not everything in life, though it is often a central part of it.

If indeed, love is not all we need, then it is indeed reasonable for some people to leave the one they love.

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