It has been 13 years when my son was born, I never wanted to have a kid at the age of 19. And I was unaware of the process of sex and getting pregnant. I just wanted to be educated and always hold an independent job first for my self. But still, I was not Sure of my job. But for my marriage was very new life for me which was triaging. I was put into computer classes to which I was very new did not know ABC. I was confused immature and innocent thinking girl from the heart. Where it was dumped with marriage, Sex and next pregnancy Initially I hated knowing I was pregnant.
I went so silly praying god now I did not want to have kids at this age. But finally, I took I was pregnant. And Still unaware how kids come out. I was uneducated in it. But I took up going with the flow and talking to my child whenever it kicked me. I started loving someone was inside or part of my body. Then finally it was “YOUR DAY CAME AS MY SON” with blood all over and crying. I was unconscious, but still, could lift my head and see you.
That was the when I was completely fell in love with someone and thought your incarnation of my father. I went stubborn and protecting you from all the evils. Even though your dad did not come to see you when you were born. I was heart broken. As he came after 4 days to show everyone he was the father. But seeing you, I did not have anything else to do with anyone. And I was so proud to have you calling me mother. But personally, things were failing with your father’s and his family. And your grandmother was pushing us far as possible commanding me to give my earn money. When I decided to stay back at home so I could stay every part of your growth. But the faith or my foolishness I could not understand what was going around me. As I started working, I could not have much time with you. And slowly you attachment towards your father’s end went stronger where mine went weaker. There was the biggest issue which I wanted to protect you was cleanliness. Which was so bad. I worked hard I could give it Since there was a Dog and the hairs would go in your food. And your grandmother did not want to spend money on your vaccination. I fought for your health got the Dog out seeking your health. Where I was Tagged as evil. But I could do nothing for timely vaccination. I gave up. And you always hard Vit-C definitely blood flowing from your nose. When I was trying espace from them and them verbal and physical abuse once my grandmother died. I was running from them, But that time I could not realize that I will be paying the most precious person in my life. Still, I tried hard spending time with you, But I went so busy with house works, abusing, getting you to the school.
Next time I took my salary in my hand fighting not to give to your grandmom And tried to give the best food as a kid. And I took all your responsibilities from school diet and outing until I left and stopped talking to you. Your fathers family never allowed to buy any useful things for you. I always made sure I brought it the name of my aunt and gave you the pleasure which kids required. MANY THINGS I WAS NOT EDUCATED ABOUT PARENTING. BUT I TRIED MY BEST.
Slowly I realized your no more very fond of me, and you crossed your father to be with. I don’t think I can express what I felt. But it was all right for me until you were happy. Finally, a day came where I was kicked out of the house. Where I did not have any place to stay. And taking you with me was impossible as I started staying as paying guests for a couple of months. But I made sure I spend time with you at your lunch break time. This time I got a house on rent where I could keep you for some time.
But no wonder you did not like to stay, Since I have few rules to protect you and at your father’s and there was nothing. We both were playing hide and seek game in real life. Where you were divided due to me. I could never take your father back in my life. Everyone was against me stating “HOW CAN A MOTHER GIVE UP HER SON” HER HUSBAND WAS NOT SO wrong, SHE WANTED TO HAVE INDEPENDENT LIFE, SHE WAS GREEDY LEFT HER OWN SON FOR HER HAPPINESS. But honestly, I tried getting with your father. Which my heart never allowed or forgave him. I did not come up to join you. I was an evil bitch at that time. But still, I was working on our relationship so hard. Which was suppose to come to an end in 2011?
The day I sent you to your father’s places. And you refused to answer. I thought some time you will be okay. But you were tender I did not want to force you at any cost. But you left. And once I came to know you wanted to lie to me asking your father’s sister what lie I should tell me. That your dad got transferred. THAT WAS THE TIME I REALISED WHAT I AM TURNING YOU INTO, ALREADY I HAVE GIVEN YOU THE PAIN. AND DID NOT WANT TO MAKE A LAIR SON TO LOOK FOR A REASON TO STAY AWAY FROM HIS OWN MOTHER.
Yes, that time I decided I won’t contact you and allow your decision and have one mindset while growing with your father. But no one knows the depth of it.
Now seriously I don’t know how I can talk you and what I should do. And I have no idea what is feeling you hold for me. This mother son relationship became so wired in these years. You made me feel motherhood unconditional love. But now it’s buried somewhere deep inside which we can never talk about.
Since now your are grown boy from the kid, I want you to have all possible things which a boy life should have. And all my life span transmit to you. Finally, I did not get my parents loved when they died at the age of 9. And the same motherless feeling I gave you. No matter at what circumstance I did, I made you suffer at some point in time. I don’t hold any creditability to ask sorry also. Since I could not give back you those days, you cried.
But now I want to tell I am there and you will be my only son in my life. There is no one else can take your place.
An apology letter from your Mom, Sorry my dear Samridh.