Every single day I try my best to hold me bold, arrogant face at my office till I reach home back. By keeping my self-content reader with useful articles, podcast which helps me to grow to push me forward. My phone hardly rings with a call for days or sometimes weeks nothing incoming.
Once I am back at my home; I wonder about myself thinking I am not a very interesting person introvert blend with only a few selected people who are based on pure instinct order with good ones.
I was a dull looking kid in my school; my teacher uses to understand very well. The pressure of raising without parents and many times in school day standing out I wished never going back to the home which was filled with tantrums of my aunt most of my childhood went receiving criticizing for the work I did from household work still taking caring of a relative whoever pops in.
I was not good enough at talking since I was selective with people where I could open up hardly, whatever I dressed up my face showed up inside sadness of not getting the fundamental thing called love and feel secure, most of the time standing in a so-called home which was giving me a mentally abused environment. Once I was slapped by my aunt at the age of ten for watching television since her daughter was sick. They projected a vast different slot of love for being they own kids privilege and being they late brother’s daughter.
I was an intense and sensitive person who expected deep talks about stars, life, path love human beings, and self-care which I believe this is what make us humans. However, most of the life whomever I could not find the deepness of talks in life.
Since the people who had not gone through the harsh storm in early life and have a safety net around them as parents nowhere they would have been left alone. Moreover, the relative respects the kids due to the parents not due to kids. That was a valuable lesson I have. Once the world comes to know you are an orphan, it will try to loot you as much as possible pushing you to the grounds no matter what and how you feel.
Seeing lack of empathy whomever I saw stood like selfish, greedy people thinking they have not harm in life they don’t want to see the goodness or understand the pain. They are far behind.
All the lesson learned here is people are greed for blood in the name of blood relation; They can’t love another human without reason. If, it’s not blood they are optional taking as granted until its torn apart.
Human prospect, I see people spend hundreds of dollars in the name of God, religion, Blood relationships. However, they fail so severely knowing a person who is standing next to with pain. What kind of ethical understanding it is.
I stood alone, as I hated those people are I grew up with harsh facts. Gradually I am picked up with my heartache relationships in which I was looking for love, a decent understanding. However, nothing indeed came up until backstabbing.
I was scared for so many years if this person gets out this relation. I have no one to love me I won’t be devastated, But slowly I understood what the point of having this kind of person is? Who has every relationship intact and don’t know the real loss of parents or loved ones.
Many people have no parents but they are somehow compensated with other things at least one support to survive is everything. Unfortunately not me, my heart was butchered nailed and crushed; each night it is a great battle and a struggle to fall asleep with a heavy heart speaking between four walls with wet pillows.
Even thou is holding a desire to die and not to wake up next morning. Still getting up morning picking myself and starting the day as a strong woman is the biggest deal. People think I am the same as them. However, they don’t understand I am not; they had a father or mother or both still holding the safety net where they can bump in anytime for any problems which are impossible for me its none. I am human like them; won’t I expect love?
To talk and advice, it’s all good, but particularities are different; at the age of 30+ people can’t live without parents. I lived without it for nine years; none was able to fill that scare with love; I lived pain suffered it; feeling the everyday burn and still residing withstanding cursed life. Made me better human being; I was poorly failed with fate, idiot, being stupid, unlucky. However, THIS WHAT MADE ME UNSTOPPABLE FEARLESS WOMAN.
I have come so far; I would live with it. However, never underestimate the pain of a loner.